Signs that you are getting older
« Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
« The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
« You keep repeating yourself.
« You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
« Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
« Your children begin to look middle aged.
« You keep repeating yourself.
« You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
« Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
« You look forward to a dull evening.
« Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
« You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
« You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
« Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
« You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 105 around the golf course.
« Your back goes out more than you do.
« You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
« You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
« You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
« You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
« You're proud of your lawn mower.
« Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
« Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
« You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
« You make an appointment to see the dentist.
« People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
« You have a dream about prunes.
« You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
« You send money to PBS.
« The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
« You take a metal detector to the beach.
« You wear black socks with sandals.
« You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
« Your ears and nose are hairier than your head.
« You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").
« If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
« You keep repeating yourself.
« You discover bifocals are stylish.
« When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and you can't get it back around.
« Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
« Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
« You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
« Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
« People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
« Your social security number only has three digits.
« In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
« It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
« Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
« No one expects you to run into a burning building.
« Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
« People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
« There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
« Things you buy now won't wear out.
« You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
« You can eat dinner at 4:00.
« You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
« You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
« You're actually interested in hearing about other people's operations.
« You get into a heated argument about pension plans and social security.
« You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
« You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
« You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
« You sing along with the elevator music.
« You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
« Your eyes won't get much worse.
« Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
« Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
« Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
« Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
« People begin sending you lists like this and you say, "Man, it is so funny," but can't remember even one line to recite.
