1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every
now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin'
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a
hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
13. If you get to thinkin' you're a person
of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
14. It don't take a genius to spot a goat
in a flock of sheep.
15. When you give a lesson in meanness to
a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their
16. When you're throwin' your weight
around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
17. Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made 'em short. They may
not always be kept but they can be understood.
18. No nation ever had two better friends that we have. You
know who they are? The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
19. People are marvelous in their generosity if they just know
the cause is there.
20. No man is great if he thinks he is.
21. Personally, I have always felt the best doctor in the world
is the Veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what's the matter.
He's just got to know.
22. Take diplomacy out of a war and the thing would fall flat
in a week.
23. Everybody is ignorant. Only on different subjects.
24. They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be
the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it.
25. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody
26. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if
you just sit there.
27. The American people are very generous people and will
forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of
28. The minute that you read something that you can't
understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.
29. Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf
30. If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get
31. A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the
other by association with smarter people.
32. We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the
curb and clap as they go by.