I was on my way to the post office to pick
up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an
e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year
2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a
friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from
having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken
(which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual
chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government
made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and
when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he
was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that
HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said
"Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because
it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his
computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail
entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he
himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to
prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together
and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the
leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in
a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a
free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the
e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a
pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line
first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit
full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching
into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected
needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to
the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the
hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer
is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send
him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay
him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails
and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an
angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you
will have good luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK
luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD
LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive
himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car
driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his
lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you
their mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't,
the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist
friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from
the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will
develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the
pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on
your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true 'cause I read it
on the Internet.
Okay, for any Internet newbies or people
that just don't understand satire... The above is a joke...
don't pass it on. It was concocted from all the spoof
emails that have been going on for years. No... really...
don't pass it on!!!
