Mark Twain (Samuel Clemmons)
Under certain circumstances,
profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer
Patriotism is the last refuge of
Part of the secret of a success
in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out
It is better to deserve honors
and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
Let us be thankful for the fools.
But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
You can't depend on your eyes
when your imagination is out of focus.
I've lived a long life and seen a
lot of hard times...most of which never happened.
Keep away from people who try to
belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the
really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
First, God created idiots. That
was just for practice. Then He created school boards.
Clothes make the man. Naked
people have little or no influence on society.
Suppose you were an idiot... And
suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Always do the right thing. This
will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen
who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.
Why shouldn't truth be stranger
than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.
Such is the human race. Often it
does seem such a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.
If you tell the truth you don't
have to remember anything
Adam was the only man who, when
he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.
Sacred cows make the best
Most writers regard truth as
their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical
in its use.
Never tell the truth to people
who are not worthy of it.
When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained.
If you pick up a starving dog and
make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal
difference between a dog and a man
It's not the size of the dog in
the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Life does not consist mainly, or
even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the
storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head
The secret of getting ahead is
getting started. The secret of getting start is breaking your
complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then
starting on the first one.
To cease smoking is the easiset
thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times.
When I was a boy of 14, my father
was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.
But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man
had learned in seven years.
There are several good
protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
When angry count four; when very
The holy passion of Friendship is
of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it
will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
I have never let my schooling
interfere with my education
Courage is not the lack of fear.
It is acting in spite of it.
Denial ain't just a river in
The old man laughed loud and
joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot,
and ended by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pocket,
because it cut down the doctor's bills like anything.
The only way to keep your health
is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do
what you'd rather not.
It usually takes more than three
weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
It is by the goodness of God that
in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things:
freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never
to practice either.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went
by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
One of the striking differences
between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Grief can take care of itself,
but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide
I didn't have time to write a
short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
The man who doesn't read good
books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
We should be careful to get out
of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there;
lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She
will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well;
but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
Etiquette requires us to admire
the human race.