Mark Twain (Samuel Clemmons)

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer

Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I've lived a long life and seen a lot of hard times...most of which never happened.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

First, God created idiots. That was just for practice. Then He created school boards.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth.

Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything

Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting start is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.

To cease smoking is the easiset thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

When angry count four; when very angry, swear.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education

Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like anything.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

Etiquette requires us to admire the human race.