« Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt
doesn't work.
« The gleam in your eyes is from the sun
hitting your bi-focals.
« You keep repeating yourself.
« You feel like the morning after and you
haven't been anywhere.
« Your little black book contains only
names that end in M.D.
« Your children begin to look middle
aged.
« You keep repeating yourself.
« You finally reach the top of the ladder
and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
« Your mind makes contracts your body
can't meet.
« You look forward to a dull evening.
« Your favorite part of the newspaper is
"20 Years Ago Today."
« You turn out the lights for economic
rather than romantic reasons.
« You sit in a rocking chair and can't
get it going.
« Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
« You're 17 around the neck, 42 around
the waist, and 105 around the golf course.
« Your back goes out more than you do.
« You sink your teeth into a steak, and
they stay there.
« You have too much room in the house and
not enough in the medicine cabinet.
« You know all the answers, but nobody
asks you the questions.
« You're asleep, but others worry that
you're dead.
« You're proud of your lawn mower.
« Your best friend is dating someone half
their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
« Your arms are almost too short to read
the newspaper.
« You would rather go to work than stay
home sick.
« You make an appointment to see the
dentist.
« People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did
I wake you?"
« You have a dream about prunes.
« You answer a question with,
"Because I said so."
« You send money to PBS.
« The end of your tie doesn't come
anywhere near the top of your pants.
« You take a metal detector to the beach.
« You wear black socks with sandals.
« You can't remember the last time you
laid on the floor to watch TV.
« Your ears and nose are hairier than
your head.
« You got cable for the Weather Channel
(sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").
« If a young girl looks at you, you check
to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
« You keep repeating yourself.
« You discover bifocals are stylish.
« When you do the "Hokey Pokey"
you put your left hip out...and you can't get it back around.
« Most women you know under 40 put you in
the "Friend of my Father" class.
« Relatives smile benignly rather than
interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
« You run out of breath walking DOWN a
flight of stairs.
« Conversations with people your own age
often turn into "dueling ailments."
« People don't harass you any more when
you take an afternoon nap.
« Your social security number only has
three digits.
« In a hostage situation you are likely
to be released first.
« It's harder and harder for sexual
harassment charges to stick.
« Kidnappers are not very interested in
you.
« No one expects you to run into a
burning building.
« Restaurants stop asking to see your
senior discount card.
« People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.
« There's nothing left to learn the hard
way.
« Things you buy now won't wear out.
« You buy a compass for the dash of your
car.
« You can eat dinner at 4:00.
« You consider coffee one of the most
important things in life.
« You constantly talk about the price of
gasoline.
« You're actually interested in hearing
about other people's operations.
« You get into a heated argument about
pension plans and social security.
« You have a party and the neighbors
don't even realize it.
« You no longer think of speed limits as
a challenge.
« You quit trying to hold your stomach
in, no matter who walks into the room.
« You sing along with the elevator music.
« You talk about "good grass"
and you're referring to someone's lawn.
« Your eyes won't get much worse.
« Your investment in health insurance is
finally beginning to pay off.
« Your joints are more accurate than the
National Weather Service.
« Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
« Your supply of brain cells is finally
down to a manageable size.
« People begin sending you lists like
this and you say, "Man, it is so funny," but can't
remember even one line to recite.
