The Darwin Awards
The true high point of the e-mail
year has arrived. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully
aware of the Darwin Awards. These awards are given annually (and
posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human
gene pool by removing themselves from it.
DARWIN AWARD *RUNNERS-UP*:
#1 - LOS ANGELES. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided
to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid
of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker, which
is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They
ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home,
behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The
concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards,
seriously lacerating Ani.
Deciding Mr. Saduki needed
stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the
surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to
bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards,
28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder
in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According
to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a
semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more
traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. For those of you
from Rio Linda, a revolver has a cylinder with 5 to 9 holes for
cartridges. You load ONE, and spin the cylinder, hence the
"roulette" reference. With a semi auto, every trigger
pull is "a winner."
#3 - Censored and just
plain ign'ant. You'd probably get sick and puke on your
keyboard, blow up your computer and then blame me for it.
You aren't going to get me that easily.
#4 - MOSCOW, Russia - A
drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were
guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect
him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25 year old guard
died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting in
to the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
#5 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance
when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall
cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of
the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his
clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He
jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and
cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of changing, he
plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the
flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the
water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he
died of hypothermia.
I don't know... that guy goes
#6 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA.
A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was
probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had
no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather
& Firearms...a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol
car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The
officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the
gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but
didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
AND THE DARWIN AWARD WINNER
IS... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night
watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by
excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently
attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications
Baker had been suspended on a
safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba
Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's
earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and
entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in
front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the
only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the
station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below
Microwaves can heat water
molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food
in Microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly
brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he
positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam.
Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns,
who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he
thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also
reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers