Note: Divorce and moving from one relationship to the next is very
common in our society. We
often find that it is easier to move to the next relationship than
it is to fix the one we have. Relationships
are also often ignored other than the bad part of it until the
feelings of love and attraction are completely over-shadowed by the
negative attributes of the relationship.
are also the place where our negatives manage to show up and
relationships are the only place where we can manage to address
them. Relationship issues are often personal issues and the
relationship only shines the light on them.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. offers encouragement to work out
relationship issues and stick with it.
Relationships: Too Easy To Leave
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Katheryn and Mathew, both in their
50ís, have been together for two years. Both have been previously
married and divorced. When they met, they fell madly in love, which
lasted for a few months. Then the conflicts started.
Both Katheryn and Mathew left their
marriages because they were with partners who were completely
unwilling to open to learning regarding the conflicts. Both Katheryn
and Mathew wanted to find a partner who would learn and grow with
them. They found each other at a personal growth seminar.
However, each time a conflict
occurs, which is often at this point in their relationship, they
both threaten to leave. Katheryn is consistently yelling, ďIím
had it! Iím leaving!Ē while Mathew yells, ďWhy donít you
just leave!Ē They each have a foot out the door.
Katheryn and Mathew are stuck in a
typical control-resist relationship system. Katheryn wants to leave
because she is so frustrated by Mathewís constant withdrawal and
resistance, while Mathew wants to leave because he canít stand
Katherynís constant attempts to control him and make him
responsible for her feelings.
Leaving is a waste of time for
Katheryn and Mathew. Actually, these two people have exactly what
they asked for Ė someone to learn and grow with. Both Katheryn and
Mathew are willing to learn and explore at some point after the
conflict. Each are slowly becoming more aware of their end of their
dysfunctional relationship system.
If they leave, they have no one to
come up against, no one who triggers their issues, so their issues
will not be addressed until they are in another relationship. Then
the same issues will surface.
The people I work with often
believe that it would be easier to start over with someone else, or
easier to be alone. I assure them that, in my experience, all
learning and growing relationships are very challenging Ė that all
couples who desire to create a really wonderful and loving
relationship have to go through the trenches of healing their
woundedness within the relationship. It may be easier to be alone,
but itís lonely and the major relationship issues never get
If you are a person who deeply
desires to continue your emotional and spiritual growth, and you are
with a partner who also desires this, than DONíT LEAVE. No matter
how bad the fights get or the distance gets Ė except if there is
continued physical violence - keep at it. Itís too easy to leave,
to easy to blame the other person, too easy to miss the incredible
opportunity that relationships provide for healing and growth.
Itís especially important to hang
in there when children are involved. Iím not saying to stay just
for the children. If you are with a physically violent partner, or a
partner who has no desire to take any personal responsibility, or a
substance abuser who has no desire to heal from his or her
addiction, then you may need to leave.
But if you have a partner who is on
a growth path, who is willing to explore with you, who is willing to
have counseling with you, who is willing to learn to take
responsibility for him or herself, then leaving is not the answer.
No matter how difficult things get at times, you have a
responsibility to yourself, your partner, your family, as well as to
the whole of humanity to do the learning you came to this planet to
If you are fortunate enough to be
with a partner who is, at least at some of the time, opens to
learning with you, you are fortunate indeed. The relationship will
take you to the depths of your dark side and to the heights of your
ability to love. It will take you where you need to go, so donít
give up just because itís so hard.
The challenge is to be doing a
daily Inner Bonding practice of going within, connecting with
yourself and with Spirit, and learning what it means to move beyond
control, beyond resistance, beyond punishing the other, beyond
threats and bullying, beyond blame, beyond being victim, beyond
compliance, and beyond fear.
The challenge is to be healing your
wounded self and developing your loving adult, which occurs in
growing relationships when both people are devoted to becoming
loving adults. The challenge is to be guided more and more by your
spiritual Guidance and less and less by your ego/wounded self.
Even if you think that you are open
and your partner isnít, it would be in your highest good to stay
in the relationship until you are able to remain loving to yourself
and your partner no matter what your partner is doing.
As long as you are triggered by
your partnerís behavior, your healing is not complete and there is
no point in leaving. If you reach a point where you are no longer
triggered by your partnerís behavior, you might discover that your
partner has also changed, even though you believed he or she was not
open to learning and growing.
If your partner remains closed and
there is really nothing more for you to learn, then it might be time
for you to leave.
Get both feet in there and do your
inner work before even thinking about leaving. Donít let your
wounded self decide your relationship for you. Donít leave until
you know that you are fully guided to do so from a spiritual source
of wisdom and truth. Donít waste this opportunity to evolve your
soul in love.
About The Author
Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books,
including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?"
and ďHealing Your Aloneness.Ē She is the co-creator of the
powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!
Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com